Kiss Fear Goodbye and Embrace Life’s Adventure

Did you know that when you get thrown off of a train in France, they don’t wait until it reaches the next station to kick you out?

It’s true. I was backpacking through Europe in my early 20s. I had a Euro-rail pass, but a ticket was still required for each train trip. The trip I was trying to take – from Paris to Barcelona – was sold out. I needed to get there to stay on my schedule (which admittedly was a pretty loose schedule). So I – along with my traveling companion and two random people in the same situation – decided to sneak onto the train. We spread sleeping bags out in an empty car, made a trip to the bar on the train, and all was good. Until the door to our “secret car” opened sometime in the middle of the night.

Some train police (or whatever they are called) were not very happy with us. The questioning was not very successful for them, since none of us spoke French. After examining our passports, they tried to extort us. They said that we could stay on the train if we each gave them $100 (or something like that). Apparently, they didn’t know that people who have bribe money don’t usually need to sneak on trains. When we refused, they stopped the train and kicked us off right there. It was on the top of a steep hill (we had to throw our backpacks down first). It was about 3AM, somewhere in France. But, I wasn’t afraid. I’m not sure why – I just knew that everything would turn out fine.

Over the years, I’ve had very scary things happen that didn’t bother me, and seemingly small things that have scared the shit out of me. I’ve stayed up worrying over things that weren’t that big a deal. And I’ve taken pretty big risks that didn’t faze me in the least. It seems that the feeling of fear doesn’t necessarily correlate to what looks scary on paper or to the actual associated danger. That seems weird, right? I think that what makes us afraid isn’t necessarily the event taking place, but our perception of it.

The More We Have, The More We Have To Lose

So what do we perceive happening that is so scary? I think this is different for everyone. But, after giving this a lot of thought, I think a lot can be boiled down to this: The more we have, the more we have to lose. When I was hitchhiking in God-Knows-Where France in the middle of the night, I didn’t have a lot of possessions or obligations. I didn’t have a family to take care of. I didn’t own a home. And I didn’t have a retirement plan or probably even health insurance. In the past, if I had a job I hated, I would just quit knowing that I could find something to get by until I found something I liked.

Now, with a family to support, I don’t feel I have that luxury. My kids, especially my oldest with special needs, are depending on me for food, shelter, and medicine. I hate the thought of letting down anyone who needs me. So, I guess that my “more” is mostly about my family. (Though of course at least some is material that I’ve gotten used to and would hate to give up.) And having that “more” creates more fear.

So, what can we do to change our perceptions and reduce our stress and fear?

What’s The Worst That Could Happen?

One way to ease fear is to play the Worst Case Scenario game. Just take your fear and say “okay, if that actually happened, the worst result would be…” This is supposed to make you see that your fear isn’t really as scary as you think. It’s shows you that the worst thing that can happen really isn’t all that bad. For example, if I don’t meet a deadline at work I might get reprimanded. But, I also realize that no one will die. Really, nothing will happen that can’t easily be fixed. And this helps take away the fear. I realize that sometimes there is a serious situation that could actually have dire consequences. But, for the majority of things we worry about that isn’t usually the case…

Serenity Now

Another thing you can do is listen to the advice of the Serenity Prayer. It asks for the serenity to accept what we can’t change, the courage to change what we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I think this is really helpful because a lot of times we CAN change our situation. We think we can’t, but really we just don’t have the balls to do it. That comes down to fear too, right?

And when we really can’t change something, you should leave it in the hands of God or the Universe or whatever you believe in. That can be pretty scary too, but it helps to take some of the fear out of things you can’t do anything about. The hardest part, in my opinion, is the last part – knowing the difference.

Embrace Life’s Adventure

I think a third option (or maybe an option to do together with the other two) is to look at your fear as an adventure. Think about your favorite character in a novel or TV show or movie. That person certainly had some adversity s/he faced (and hopefully overcame!). The movie would have been very boring otherwise. And you aren’t boring! You have to have some adversity in your life as a part of your story – to make it interesting, to show the real you, and to truly tell YOUR story. Instead of being afraid, think of how this story is going to go down in a way that can make you like that favorite character.

In case you were wondering about France, we all got picked up in a car by some really cool people coming back from the bar (I’m sure they were great drivers!). France was the host of the World Cup that year and the random people I met on the train had a lot of World Cup paraphernalia that they gave to our drivers, so they loved us. They dropped us at the next train station and the cost of the ticket to Barcelona was something like 3 US dollars (definitely making it worth not paying the $400 bribe). As a bonus, one of the conductors on our train was one of the guys who threw us off of the other train (I swear! Crazy, right?) – he was so pissed off to see us on the train!

It isn’t easy to overcome our fears – to get out of our own heads and the doubts in our minds. But, if we can learn to look at each concern as an adventure on our life’s journey, it can make it them a little less scary. And you’ll have some great stories!