Life With Intention: Accepting Truth and Purpose

Yoga has long been a passion of mine. In a few months I’ll be a certified yoga teacher. Yay! I’m excited, but also exhausted. Between being an autism mom, my full-time job, my volunteer work, writing, and the holiday season, it has been difficult to fit school into my life. Along with my house (now renamed Mount Laundry), updating this blog has definitely taken a hit. This is a post from a few years back (from when I used to write here). I think it’s relevant because it explains my intention, why yoga is so important to me, and how the challenges I’ve encountered have shaped my practice. I apologize for neglecting this blog, I thank anyone who is still reading it (and my husband for putting up with me through all this), and I promise not to procrastinate so much. And one day I’ll get to the laundry.

 

Setting An Intention

 
“It doesn’t matter if it is big or small, but it has to come from inside you. Something that you need your heart to help you answer.”

I take a deep breath. I am a mother of 3 beautiful children. My oldest son Christopher is severely autistic. This is important because it has shaped the person I am, my yoga practice, and my entire way of life.

My yoga practice is of great importance to me because it helps me to be a part of something bigger than myself. It connects me to the Universe. I am better able to cope with circumstance. It turns my focus to the things I am grateful for. Yoga is something that can’t be taken from me. Right now, I am sharing my yoga practice with my children, and trying to explain the concept of “intention.”

 

 Because Everything Changed…

 
“I’m always trying to help Christopher. So sometimes I ask for strength when he’s mad and hurting us and we don’t know why. Sometimes I ask for clarity and wisdom and guidance, to clearly see the path I should take for the best way to help him. Sometimes I ask for intuition, to know what he’s asking for and what he needs, to find a way to communicate with him without words.”

When my son regressed into autism, my world turned upside down. In an effort to learn more about what happened and how to help him, I became aware of the toxins in our world. There are genetically modified organisms in our food, pesticides being sprayed on our grass and crops, chemicals in furniture, flame retardants in clothing, poisons in vaccines, radiation in wifi and smart meters. And my eyes were opened to the corruption and greed in the government.

 

 …I Changed Too

 
Everything I do now is different. I was never “crunchy.” For the most part, I bought what was affordable. I did whatever the so-called experts or media sound-bytes said. It’s not that I was particularly selfish or a bad person. And I wasn’t lazy or unintelligent. I was just… BUSY! I trusted that doctors and newspeople and education experts knew what they were talking about and had public interest in mind. And while I had no illusions that the government wasn’t corrupt, I never thought that it would be at the expense of the health of the entire country, or children.

Now I not only eat organic, but I also learned how to cook (and weird stuff – like kombucha and grain-free everything and no microwaving). I’m concerned with all kinds of toxins and I’m fighting with the electric company about my smart meter. My children ask for essential oils and arnica when they fall. I make my own cleaners and deodorant and bug spray. In short, I’m a total weirdo.

 

Autism has also made me more patient and kind. I realize that people are all going through personal struggles that may not be immediately visible. The way children behave is not necessarily the result of parenting. A lot of the people who I found annoying might actually have social difficulties that I was not aware of. I understand that everyone needs a friend and that everyone deserves kindness and that I can be the person to provide this (and I am aware of how much this might mean).

I am also more aware of the body’s ability and desire to heal itself. And that efforts like meditation, nutrition, and yoga are essential to keeping both my mind and body whole.

 

 Sharing My Practice

 
“So I can’t ask for toys? Can I ask for patience to help me wait for my birthday to get my toys?” my son asks me. “ Yes, you can do that.” I assure him. I wish that the intention was less materialistic overall, but I think that needs to come with time and maturity, and it can’t be forced on a 5 year old.

It is very important that I share my practice with my children because I want them to be THINKERS. I want them to think for themselves and not worry about what other people tell them. It is so easy to feel that if the majority is doing something that it’s okay or right or won’t have negative consequences. I want them to know that I respect their opinions and encourage their thoughts and ideas. I love when I see that they are expressing their viewpoints. My son recently told his kindergarten class when they were discussing healthy food that their apples weren’t REALLY healthy because they had bug spray on them. Ha! I just have to remember to support and respect them even when their views are different from mine!

 

“What do you want your intention to be?” he asks his 2-year-old sister. She replies, “ I want chicken!”

I wonder if autism hadn’t entered our lives what kind of person and mother I would be. Maybe I would be riding through the fastfood drive-through on the way home from work. Or I might be cleaning my house with toxic chemicals (probably not – I rarely clean!). I could be a bitchy soccer mom demanding perfection from my children. Would my children be on ADHD medication? Would I be on medication?

 

 Learning Through Life’s Challenges

 
I try to express gratitude for everything I have, and this is what I think of when I think of autism. I am a better person for what autism has taught me. Of course, I would give anything in the world to not have my son be the sacrifice for my knowledge and personal growth, for him to be whole and healthy and to know that he can do anything he wants and achieve his dreams and have friends and tell me what he wants. I would give anything to know what he feels – what he thinks and what he’s scared of and what makes him happy – and to know who he is. I’m just trying to find the lesson that I am supposed to learn about the person I’m supposed to be. I think that lesson is about acceptance and healing and appreciation.

 

 A Blessing And A Curse

 
Often, I wish I didn’t have to learn this lesson. Even if I was eating crap and living in a toxic house, wouldn’t I be happier in my bubble of ignorance? Sometimes I feel like Cassandra from Greek mythology, who was given the gift of prophecy, which becomes a curse. She is driven to madness because no one believes what she reveals. A friend recently gave a presentation and asked “What is the one-eyed man in the land of the blind? He is King, right?” Far from it, he went on to explain. Because no one else can see what he sees, he is ridiculed.

 

I feel this horror – I can no longer relate to most of my friends and family. Sometimes their concerns seem unimportant or even ridiculous. To them, the things I talk about seem weird at best and sometimes tin-foil hat insane. Often, there is nothing I can do about something I know. There are toxins I can’t avoid, issues I have no control over. What good is knowing that the world is slowing killing you and your health if there is nothing you can do about it?

 

 Finding Peace In My Purpose

 
But, I realize these thoughts are pointless. I can’t change the past; or choose to un-know what I now know. I can only learn from it and do the best I can. My friend concluded his speech about the one-eyed man by saying that if you can see what others can’t, you have a responsibility to tell the truth and inform regardless of how unpopular this makes you.

I also can’t predict the future. I have no idea what it will hold. While I hope to heal my son and I hope that my family remains in good health and I hope that my medical expenses don’t drive me into bankruptcy, I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Even if everything is my life was completely secure, the universe can (and usually does!) throw out something completely unexpected.

So, I can only live in the present and make the most of THIS MOMENT.

I set my intention and practice yoga with my children.