The words that come to mind when I think of Mary Romaniec are tireless, humble, and inspiring. I am so grateful to her for contributing to this month’s guest blogs. She wrote this post, graciously sharing her insight on a topic that all special needs parents, myself included, struggle with daily – GUILT. Here she outlines the steps from her book, Victory Over Autism, that we need to take to free ourselves from this burden.
Last week I did a webinar for the National Autism Association on the topic of marriage, and how a child’s diagnosis of autism affects individuals and couples. It is a presentation I have given countless times, as I weaved tales of how we can get past the bad days of grief to form a stronger union.
What was different about this webinar presentation was that I was not able to read the audience, since it is just me and a computer screen. Ordinarily I look around at the nodding heads, some with tears, some laughing in parts and others with expressions of gratitude because the topic is hitting home.
For many years I would give this presentation on how grief impacts marriages, explaining how we all go through six stages of emotion before real progress begins. Those stages are: fear, denial, anger, bargaining/guilt, acceptance and resolve. Missing in the instant feedback of a live audience was how guilt invades our lives and spills into our relationships.
You see, after every previous live presentation someone in the audience would ask a question that had the word “guilt” or “guilty” in it. It would be phrased something like, “Well how do I go through this and not feel guilty for ….” Or, “I feel so much guilt.” This has led several audiences to have back and forth responses in the open forum on how guilt and grief go hand in hand. And they always, always, ask how to get past it.
It became such a mantra at these presentations that I felt compelled after one such talk to figure it out and put something — anything — in writing that once again identifies what we are all experiencing. And because I am sort of a solution-oriented person, I put it in the form of a 12-step program for the “guiltaholic” in all of us. . .especially the caregivers of special needs children.
You see, I am also a recovering guiltaholic, prone to go down the rabbit’s hole of spiraling self-defeating thoughts if not kept in check. And by kept in check, I mean stopped.
After I wrote this 12-step checklist, it made me double check my own habits before advising someone else to shift course.
The reason why I think this is important to spell out is that guilt plagues all of us in varying degrees, but it becomes a “narcotic” if it continues; which then leads to complex problems in marriages. There are many other factors going on between couples who are in the throes of a child’s illness, but guilt can spill over with unintended consequences.
Further, as I began writing the 12-step program, it became apparent that the message was worldwide. Step into the shoes of any parent and you will see that they are stepping into guilt every day in some form. It is just that for some of us, we have become addicted to the narcotic effect as our sense of motivation. That is when guilt’s effects begin to suffocate the family.
To that end I formed ideas coherent and transferable to everyone, even a parent who is dealing with everyday stresses, yet completely applicable to those of us enduring the biggest levels of stress as the primary caregivers.
Step 1
Acknowledge that guilt is a “drug” of choice, and as such, we are in charge of the thoughts we choose to accept about ourselves.
Step 2
Acknowledge to ourselves and to others that we cannot do everything. If our expectations are unreasonable then our thoughts of what is doable needs to shift.
Step 3
Acknowledge that part of our guilt is associated with our need to control all of the circumstances in our lives. We need to release ourselves from the responsibility of the demands that our need to control brings.
Step 4
Acknowledge that we are not responsible for the happiness of anyone but ourselves, including our immediate family members. Take full responsibility for formulating and cultivating care of you first.
Step 5
Limit opportunities that can produce guilt: say no to volunteer opportunities without regret, choose friendly thoughts about yourself and others, and walk away from negative conversations that provoke anxiety about your choices.
Step 6
Accept yourself for who you are, in all ways, creating boundaries for how you will allow yourself to be treated. Release yourself from all self-imposed pretense.
Step 7
Accept others for who they are, respecting and honoring their boundaries. Release them from any unrealistic expectations of behavior.
Step 8
Accept that guilt is born from our fear of being perceived inadequate, especially in our own eyes, and the eyes of others. Release the attachment to fear of inadequacy.
Step 9
Accept that guilt’s only purpose is to temporarily motivate us to change direction from the path we may now be choosing. It is when guilt becomes a daily motivator that we have become addicted to its effect.
Step 10
Accept help humbly, and without regret.
Step 11
Listen carefully to your own inner voice of wisdom, and honor its call. It is in the whisper of our own inner voice that we understand the truth about ourselves.
Step 12
Turn over our fears and our sense of limitations to our God, however defined in our lives. As we accept a higher power our greater good is fulfilled. And when that happens, the paralyzing effect of guilt is permanently removed.
Mary Romaniec is a reporter and the mother of a child who recovered from autism by the age of four. In addition to mentoring hundreds of families around the U.S. and the world, her articles about autism have appeared in Mothering Magazine, Autism/Asperger Digest, Autism Today and Journeys Magazine.
Her book Victory Over Autism, takes the reader through the personal stages parents will experience when their child is first diagnosed with autism; and how to use these stages to catapult to becoming part of the next generation of proactive parents who are making a difference in the well-being of their child and family. Mary discusses the stages of grief associated with the diagnosis, followed by the winning attributes parents will either possess or adopt as they strive to the goal of better health or full recovery for their child. And a better future.
My autism journey has changed the way I live and care for my family. I am passionate about nontoxic products, natural remedies, grain-free nutrition, essential oils, and healing the symptoms known as autism. This is a space for anyone aspiring toward cleaner, healthier living.
XO Joanna
