Grief And The Holidays: Finding Comfort And Joy

Holiday Grief

Since it’s the holiday season I feel like I should be writing some cheerful holiday message or recipe. Grief probably seems like a weird topic.

But, it’s been a tough year. Not just for me – so many people who I know and love have gone through very difficult situations this year, facing unimaginable pain and loss. I can’t imagine how much they must be struggling through the holidays.

Even people who aren’t struggling with anything specific or major can feel a little depressed during the holiday season. And the added pressure to be in the holiday spirit doesn’t help.

So, in the midst of all the merry, here are a few words on grief.

The Stages Of Grief

Do you know someone who is grieving? We are probably all familiar with the five stages of grief outlined in Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s famous book On Death and Dying. The book outlines the process of grieving as going through the Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance.

But I don’t think we all go through this cycle exactly as laid out. Sometimes the order is different. Sometimes we skip some of the stages. And, I don’t believe that closure is ever really closure. Memories resurface, emotions are triggered, and any one of these stages (or other feelings) can come up again. I think of these stages as waves in the ocean. Unpredictable. Varying in intensity. And any one of them can wash over us and maybe knock us down at any time.

Everyone grieves differently. Some people are openly emotional. Others keep things inside. Sometimes grieving appears to be not grieving or even caring when that is not the case at all. We need to keep this in mind and make sure that we aren’t judging anyone’s grief or their grieving process.

Helping The Grieving

When my then-4-year-old son first learned about The Golden Rule – treat others as you wish to be treated – he asked me why we shouldn’t treat them like they would want to be treated. I think he’s right, and I think this is very important to remember when dealing with grief. Some people need comfort. Some need to be left alone. Some people just need someone to listen and be there.

If you want to help someone who’s grieving, ask them what they need. And (just like I said in this post about talking to autism families) don’t offer help if you aren’t willing to give it. It can be very difficult for a grieving person to ask for help. It is devastating to be turned away after working up the courage needed to reach out, and that person won’t likely open up again. So if you aren’t really able to provide whatever they need, don’t ask or you will just make things worse.

Helping Yourself

If you are personally grieving, remember to take time for your grief. I won’t pretend to know what you are personally going through or that I can help. But know that I’ve been there and that I care. Others care too, so if you are feeling lost and alone, I hope that you can ask for the help that you need.

One of my favorite writers on the topic of grief is Tim Lawrence. I really wanted to share his blog The Adversity Within, where he shares his thoughts on living through grief and loss. But I see that the page is expired. I’m really hoping that it gets put back up soon, because it is brilliant. And, I know that he has helped so many people deal with the complex emotions that grief brings. I see some of his posts are available on Upworthy and HuffPo. If anyone reading this knows more about his blog posts and if they are available, please share in the comments.

It’s also okay to let some things go over the holidays too. Take some pressure off of yourself. The world won’t end if you don’t make 10 different kinds of Christmas cookies. The kids don’t care what the gift wrap looks like. The house does not have to be Griswold-worthily lit. Focus on the people. Find your joy in times with family and friends (instead of in finding the perfect gift or crossing tasks off of your list).

The Gift Of Kindness

If you are feeling all merry and bright, I certainly don’t mean to rain on your parade. But in the midst of your celebration please remember that the holidays can be difficult. This is also a time of giving and kindness. So, take a moment to give loved ones a gift that really matters – the gift of your empathy and love.