Most ships can successfully sail when the weather is perfect and the seas are calm. It’s when you hit a raging storm and get thrown into the rocks that you see what a ship is made of. Autism can definitely throw an “Iceberg ahead!” into the marriage,and even the strongest marriages can take a hit. Today, our autism expert parent panel weighs in on helping marriage survive autism.

I am very fortunate to have a good partnership with my husband. We were always on the same page with how to treat our son’s autism (though I’m sure he had small heart attacks every time I tried a new treatment – we used to joke that everything was ‘Two Thousand Dollars’ no matter what it was). That’s not to say we didn’t have our tough times. Autism leaves you physically and emotionally exhausted, broke, and stressed to your limits. There is no way it’s not going to take a toll.

So, how did we get through it? We often joke that we are just too tired to leave, start over and do it alone; but in reality we’ve learned how to help our marriage survive autism. We try to have some grown-up time, even if that means beers and a stupid movie on the couch. When we are both stretched thin, I try to remember and appreciate that my husband is in the same boat. Sure, I’ve been writing this thesis-length insurance appeal, but he’s been cooking dinner all week. Most of all, we try to laugh. It sounds silly, but it really helps. I’m totally hilarious, but no one ‘gets’ me the way Dave does. We’re in this together, no matter what.

ASK THE EXPERTS

What is your advice to help marriage survive autism?

MARCIA says:

“be a wife as well as a mother”

Hopefully, you don’t treat your husband the same way I did when we were still in the autism trenches! I didn’t give him much consideration or attention because I was on a mission to save my son and couldn’t focus on anything else. I needed to give my husband the clear message that we were in this together. Fortunately, he never gave up on me or our kids no matter how many times I pushed him away.

Here’s my advice: 1. Consider your spouse’s wishes for your child’s treatment. I was so busy disagreeing with him that I couldn’t see he also wanted what was best for Ryan. 2. Don’t forget to be a wife as well as a mother. 3. You catch more flies with honey. The same methods I used to change Ryan’s behavior would have worked with Frank. I should have ignored the things I didn’t like, and complimented my husband when I saw him being the dad I needed him to be. 4. Remember what you liked about your spouse and what made you fall in love in the first place.

MARY says:

“a bad day does not mean a bad marriage”

DAVE says:

“it’s okay to go to bed angry”

My wife and I have had our share of tough roads, but somehow we’ve come out stronger. What really helps is that I try to focus on losing my Ego. Whenever I start thinking things like, “I’ve been taking care of the kids all day” or, “I’ve had to clean up poop twice already, now you should” or, “This is not fair to me!” … Whenever I allow my brain to concentrate on ME, I am unhappy and so is the rest of the family. I try to redirect my thinking with a ‘serve first’ mentality. I ask myself what my wife needs in that moment. I’ll also remind myself that I can’t control certain things; I can only control how I respond. I ask myself, ‘How can I make this situation better?” This works 95% of the time and stops fights and stressors in their tracks.

The other thing I’d like to add (which may be a bit contrarian) is that it’s okay to go to bed angry! With autism, our patience gets stretched so thin. We’re often sleep deprived; and the reason for this fight could simply be that we both need to get some sleep, so we can be more level-headed and work this out tomorrow. Just don’t go to bed thinking, “I’m going to win this fight in the morning!”

KIM says:

“find time for each other”

I don’t think the rules are different for a couple with a child on the spectrum, but the stresses are more extreme. So you have to make sure to find time for each other. Money will become an issue for most families since autism is expensive. That’s a minefield for any marriage. Try to have a date once in a blue (ha ha autism joke!) moon. And remember that sex is a good stress reliever!

Make time for each other that doesn’t involve kids or autism. Support each other’s need for individual time off. Recognize that each of you is dealing with different stages of grief at different times and that’s okay – respect where the other person is.

MEET THE EXPERTS

Dave Borden is Simply A Dad, focusing on raising his kids to have a healthy attitude toward food and life. He teaches them the power of real food, and the dangers of pretty, packaged food. But he wasn’t always like this. He struggled with poor health for decades. But, his oldest son’s autism diagnosis started him down an alternative path – a path that taught him how to better care for his children, as well as how to better care for himself and appreciate the important things in life. Now, he teaches fellow parents the tricks he’s learned and shares practical, everyday advice to improve health and happiness on his blog ImSimplyADad.com. Dave Borden is Simply A Dad on a mission to make the road to better health and healing easier for all families.

Erica Daniels is the author of Cooking with Leo: An Allergen-Free Autism Family Cookbook, medical cannabis activist, public speaker and is the single mother of Leo who struggles with autism and chronic health issues. Her life changed and gained new purpose after her son was diagnosed with autism in 2007. Erica founded Autism Advisors LLC and #hope4Leo 501c3 after years of struggling to treat her son’s autism using conventional and biomedical treatments with little or no success. Eating a healthy allergen-free diet and using natural medicines such as medicinal cannabis have greatly improved Leo’s health and autism symptoms. In 2016 Erica founded the autism420 Project, an initiative for legal, safe and appropriate access of medicinal cannabis for use in autism.

Honey Rinicella is the coordinator of the Pennsylvania Chapter of Talk About Curing Autism (TACA), a national non-profit 501(c)(3) organization dedicated to educating, empowering and supporting families affected by autism. She is a wife of 20 years and the mother of 3 beautiful children, 2 of whom have autism. Honey has presented on autism locally and nationally, educating parents and professionals. She has been featured on ABC News, NBC News, NBC’s At Issue, and the Today Show. Honey lives in Pennsylvania with her family.

Kim Stagliano is a nationally recognized autism advocate and lively speaker. She has three daughters with autism, ages 21, 19 and 15. She is author of the memoir All I Can Handle I’m Not Mother Teresa: A Life Raising Three Daughters with Autism, the novel House of Cards and co-author of 101 Tips for Parents of Girls with Autism. Kim serves as Managing Editor of www.ageofautism.com, the nation’s first daily web newspaper about the autism epidemic. She writes for The Huffington Post, and The Autism File Magazine. She speaks at national autism conferences and has appeared on Good Morning America, ABC News, Fox News, in The Chicago Tribune, The National Catholic Register, and on blogs around the world. A former sales and marketing executive, Stagliano lives in Connecticut with her family.

Marcia Hinds is a motivational speaker and autism parent. Her powerful message has been featured at autism conferences all over the United States. Marcia’s inspirational book about Ryan’s recovery makes you rethink autism. I Know You’re In There shares what her family did to help Ryan and tells their story in a way that is heartbreaking, heartwarming, and sometimes hilarious. Marcia has a B.A. in Psychology/Sociology from UCLA as well as a teaching credential. But Marcia’s most impressive credential is that she is Ryan’s mother and their family survived autism. For more info go to www.autism-and-treatment.com.

Mary Romaniec is a reporter and the mother of a child who recovered from autism by the age of four. In addition to mentoring hundreds of families around the world, her articles about autism have appeared in Mothering Magazine, Autism/Asperger Digest, Autism Today and Journeys Magazine. In her book Victory Over Autism,  Mary discusses the stages of grief associated with the diagnosis, followed by the winning attributes parents will either possess or adopt as they strive to the goal of better health or full recovery for their child, as well as a better future.

I’m so grateful to all of the Autism Experts for their input for these posts. Check out the rest of the posts in the Ask The Experts autism series:
The Best Advice For Autism Parents
The Most Effective Autism Interventions
Successful Single Autism Parenting
The Best Way To Handle ‘Autism Hard’ Days
How Autism Made Your Life Better
What People Need To Know About Autism
What You Wish You Knew (at the time of the autism diagnosis)